• Do you feel anxious and doubt yourself often?
• Do you compare yourself to others, and fixate on your own flaws?
• Do you over-extend yourself in relationships, and feel annoyed by the lack of reciprocity?
• Do you avoid rocking the boat, apologize, or edit yourself in conversations?
• Do you cave on your boundaries because you don’t want to hurt or disappoint others?
• Does it feel like you can’t shut your brain off?

Being a people-pleaser has its benefits. You pride yourself in being deeply caring and generous. You do good work and make things happen. You are an awesome support to others and can sense moods and anticipate needs. You can quickly diffuse uncomfortable moments before they happen. You are skilled at reading a room and can usually get what you need out of a situation. Being selfless and prioritizing the needs of others can also be connected to your family, cultural, or spiritual values.

There can also be a shadow side to people-pleasing. The same strengths that serve you well can also slip into self-criticism, over-responsibility, and needing others’ validation all the time. It can also make you conflict avoidance, hesitant to vocalize your own needs, or fearful to offer your true opinions if they are different from others. Being overly accommodating and “on” all the time is also exhausting. Deep down, you long for close relationships and to be accepted by others as your true self.

Psychologist Juli Fraga suggests taking some time identify those situations where your people-pleasing tendencies tend to show up. Does it show up in the presence of a particularly difficult family member or authority figure? In a particularly social/work setting? When there is potential for conflict? In situations where you are fearful of judgement or rejection, Fraga suggests that it can help to compassionately ask yourself the question, “What would I do if I weren’t afraid?” This can be the first step to identifying your needs and goals, and from there, you can determine what change to work towards.

Are you ready to:

• Let go of unhealthy habits.
• Stop self-neglect.
• Establish clear boundaries.
• Release resentment.
• Change the way you relate to others.
• Dive deep into your approval-seeking patterns.
• Feel liberated to be yourself.

It can help to have support.

I work with people-pleasers who struggle with depression, anxiety, burnout, and issues of self worth. From a stance of curiosity and compassion, I love to ask questions to get people to think more deeply about their values and situations. Reach out if you would like collaborate on how to navigate unfulfilling relationships, stop unnecessary self-sacrifice, and start building your confidence for self-advocacy.