Some people have described codependency as involving “forgetting where you end and your partner begins” or focusing so much on “showing up for others, that you forget to show up for yourself.” Codependency can involve a pattern of relating where a person feels stuck in a caregiver role and is not receiving reciprocated care and support.

While the term codependency was originally used to describe relationship dynamics observed in families with addiction, it has evolved to become a popular term to describe any problematic or enabling relationship. Enabling behaviors might look like a pattern of making excuses for another, hiding the person’s alcohol/drug problem from others, or protecting the person from any fallout or natural consequences of their action.

Those who identify as codependent may feel a sense of relief to be able to give name to the exhaustion, frustration, burnout and fruitless attempts to effect a change that results increate conflict and dissatisfaction with the relationship. The concept has helped to raise consciousness about one-sided relationships, blurred boundaries, and patterns of self-abandonment.

The Stigma of Codependency

Codependency is not recognized as a clinical diagnosis or personality disorder and the concept itself continues to spark debate amongst psychologists. From a trauma-informed lens, one concern is that the term pathologizes normal caring human behaviors and coping. Our human biology is wired for interdependence and connection with others, especially in times of distress. It can be intuitive to drop everything to help a loved one in crisis or take control to prevent catastrophic outcomes. Some may also find that it is negative label that is linked to expectations related to gender, race, and culture. For example, women are often taught to be caring and nurturing and this may lead them to take on certain roles in their families. Survivors of domestic violence may have learned to anticipate the mood of others to feel emotionally attached and safe in relationships. In Asian cultures, significant family interdependence and a commitment to group harmony is a cultural norm.

It’s ok if you connect with the label and it’s ok if you don’t.

The key is if you regularly:

• feel disempowered in your relationship
• make drastic sacrifices or abandon personal routines in response to the needs of others
• feel constant worry about your relationship
• attract needy people
• view your own needs as of lesser importance than others
• compromise your own values or conscience to do what another person wants
• feel angry, victimized, unappreciated and used
• make various attempts to control events/others through guilt, coercion, threats, or advice-giving
• view love as mainly about tolerance, forbearance, or pain
• have little interest in your own life/needs apart from the relationship
• try to “rescue” a loved one and end up excessively controlling or enabling unhelpful behaviors
• take charge and make up for areas someone else is underperforming
• ignore red flags or struggle to end relationships even though they are not good for you (or they make you unhappy)

Then you may be caught in a cycle of unequal giving. When this becomes the norm, it can lead to feelings of exhaustion and resentment. What is neat is, you don’t need to wait for your loved ones to change, to start improving your situation. In come cases, when you start to act differently, others may also start to respond to you different.

A counsellor can collaborate with you to understand your patterns of giving, address the fears that perpetuate this pattern, and strategize the first steps needed to stop self-abandoning. On the surface, it may look like you are training others to treat you well, but the goal is actually to trained yourself to stop accepting poor treatment. The focus is not on controlling others or outcomes (because you have been there and done that), but on you taking responsibility (in a realistic way) for your wellbeing. If you have been in this cycle for a while, it can be hard to see any choice in the matter, and this is where an outside perspective can help.